Monthly Archives: October 2015

Dear Walter.

I am not going to bring back the canned salmon. Please stop leaving notes. I KNOW it could be contaminated. I KNOW you heard on the news that some raccoons got into the processing plant. I KNOW they will give me a full refund if I return the unopened cans with the receipt which you have found for me in the trashcan. I don’t care. First of all, I was really looking forward to eating that salmon with my pumpernickel bread and no one is going to refund me for the bread. Secondly, the odds that any raccoon has made it into my particular can is miniscule. And, even if there is a little bit of raccoon in there, so what? So what, Walter? Why is raccoon so terrible? Did you know that the early settlers had a law in Massachusetts, Walter? Prisoners could only be fed lobster twice a week because any more than that was considered inhumane? My point is, Walter, what meat is delicious and what is unacceptable is CULTURALLY RELATIVE, and I will not be so close-minded as to not try a bit of raccoon just because we middle-class Northerners think of it as roadkill. Lastly, I asked you nicely to stop coming by here weeks ago. All the work on the pool is complete. I have talked to your boss and made sure I was all paid up. So, I am sure you can agree there is no reason for you to be in my house fishing anything out of my trash.

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